oh lover

You don't have to take your clothes off to feel naked.

I have never thought of myself as a literal thinker, but I have been feeling less and less creative these days. I am generally happy of course- how could I not be? But I am feeling constricted and quite disconnected and whilst I do not wonder why, I do ponder if it is a change that is upon me or a spark that was once there but now is not. And if perhaps it has been permanently extinguished?

I do not write as often as I once did and I miss my sewing machine like it were my long, lost lover. And not that I miss being in love at all- I do not have the time- I do find it strange that I have actually gone without (and happily existed/functioned in the absence of) the big, great, can't-be-without love I was once notoriously and constantly swimming in for what is now approaching a solid twelve month period. But I am asking myself this now, am I being lazy? Or am I just bopping along, being overwhelmed by all the greatness and chaos that is my life at this moment and not even realizing I may be drowning?

THIS
IS
SHIT

I keep going on like I feel like something is wrong and whilst nothing is perfect- it is very fucking good. I am though feeling very passive in the aggression of the universe at the moment and I am undecided on how it is I feel about that. I had grown so used to being the aggressor and the perpetrator of all the goings on in my world- have I become tired and boring? Or was it just time for me to step back and take a calmer approach, smell the roses and- while never admitting defeat- accept the things I cannot change. I've got to admit that it really does help me sleep at night, when I finally get to bed of course.

I think it is time for me to bring this to a close and go to bed, I started writing this because I was feeling like something was missing. And there really ARE some things I am missing; driving alone in my car with the windows down, my own bed, my family, my sewing machine, my bunny, my house and a certain person I just do not see enough of right now (it's not forever- you wouldn't let me). But tonight who I miss the most is the person I have buried under all of these plans and noise- the me who sat in silence, the me who had more time, the me who would wake up just excited to get up and get dressed. I will have time for her again some time soon, I swear.

Aaron McCann,
how many days have passed since you left us? I do not even want to count them. I know that you would have been ashamed of the mess I became when I heard the news that you were no longer with us- in the physical sense anyway.

At the tender age of 12 you entered my life. An angry and unhappy girl I was and yet you never failed to make me laugh. To bring a huge smile to my face even when I was ashamed to show my teeth while I was in the midst of a 3 and a half year orthodontic transformation. We used to make jokes about how we could never kiss each other because we would get stuck together :]

Aaron, for every moment that I think of you I am filled with regret for the days I wasted because I know you never wasted a moment. I am angry Aaron, I just wanted to yell, "how did you think it was okay for you to do this? How could you leave us here?!" The rest of us that do not have rose coloured glasses? The rest of us who are only mere mortals in comparison to your impossible sense of self, sense of fun and your impossibly huge heart.

Aaron, you know me and I have to confess that I am proud of the way you shaped me. When I was in tears you made me laugh, when I was silent you could make me talk. I spoke to Lochlan tonight Aaron, it broke my fucking heart. All I could think it how unfair it was that you left, you were taken- not only from me, but from your friends. But from your family. And whilst I was talking to Lochy, I realised how much it was that you were taken, that you didn't just leave but you were stolen. And instead of being angry I should be proud that I knew you. And I am.

Aaron, I want you to know that I am done being sad over you. Of course I will miss you with every muscle in my face that enables a grin- but- only because you would want me to, I endeavor to move onwards and upwards. Chin up Prudence, don't be sad. Aaron McCann, it is in your honour that my days from now on are the richest, the most fulfilling and the most fun of my life. Every time I smile, you will be my grin, and every time I look to the stars I will see your "fuck off cheeky grin". You were the richest of the rich and I am so proud to say you touched my heart. There will always be a place for you there.

I am so sick of the mentality I have developed in the sense that I am always looking backward.

I look back to when I was happy, I look back when I was sad. It is so, so often I look back to when I was sad. And as I was reading along through all of this shit that I have written and right now; I am looking forward so I wanted to share.

I mean, I look back at my travels to America and all the while I had nothing to say out loud but now I will; I thought that New York was amazing and I will go back but when I am good and ready for the things that city has in stall for me once again and I will overcome it rather than New York overwhelming me.

But now- and I mean right now- I am looking up, head to the sky and I am venturing forward, to Europe, to greatness. To happiness, in the name of party- for the sake of "because I can" and all of the lightheartedness that will follow.

I am no longer heavy and weighted to the ground with the pressure that may have broken anyone much greater than I am. I am strong and I may not be focused and I may not have as many things on my mind but I am floating without them.

I don't know what I want to do. And I certainly don't know who I want to be. But who does? I know where I want to be (which happens to be everywhere) and I know the people who I want to be with. I have this amazing family in which I include my two very best friends and the saying "blood is thicker than water" has never actually meant much to me until now. Perhaps this is the worst metaphor ever, ever, ever but- I feel like a duck, and finally I am able to shake that useless water from my back and move forward rather than being weighed down for the first time since I can even remember. Maybe even for the first time in my life. And it feels good.

These days fly by so easily. I no longer lay in my bed waiting for the light of the next one and I do not know who or what to thank but whatever one or many people or things that have helped me move forward to the point that I am at I thank you with all the thanks there is in my body. I did not know for so long what it was actually like to be happy. I had deluded myself into believing that people or things I brought into my life and moulded around me to fit would make me feel complete. And goodness knows who/what taught me this but- now I know now that there is no one person, no material possession, no event and no place that can make you happy if you are lacking a sense of self. And whilst it has taken me people, material possessions, events and places to get me to where I am I feel like I am whole. Not complete in any sense- but I do not feel like I am lacking. I am me, for the first time. I am awake, I am happy and I am looking forward to more.

My eyes are open and I will have more.

I am so happy.

Isn't in funny how I can write so frequently when I am down about something, yet I do not care to share my highs in the same way?

My life is as close to perfect at this point- not for any sole or particular reason- and I am feeling so good about everything as the days go on this way. And the nearer we come to the end of this year, the more excited I become for the next. I am so looking forward to the intense partying that is my last few weeks of 2008- but strangely, I am much more interested in the commencement of 2009 and the possibilities it holds for me. I have never been so excited by change as I am these days. It was not so long ago that I was clinging to the very threads of familiarity- and once I had lost hold of these, I then crawled into my bed for almost a month and lived my life in a dim light and absolute pessimism.

If that facet of myself met the one who is sitting here writing this, she wouldn't recognise herself.

I know it would be much more exciting to say that there was a particular event that dragged me out of my den of self destruction. But there wasn't. I suppose I just looked at myself and said, "what the fuck?". It's true what they say, when they say, "youth is wasted on the young" as a generalisation, I can see how that is true. I no longer wanted to be a young woman wasting her youth. So I am not. And in 2009 I fully intend to make the very best out of what I have.

I will be turning twenty years old in September '09, and I endeavor to do as many things that I can get away with the excuse "I am a teenager!" Haha. And by the tender age of twenty, I would like to have the best relationship with myself than I ever, ever have. More than two and a half of the four years it has been since I turned fifteen has been spent in relationships with other people. Exhilarating as these relationships were- and as much as I would never take the love that I gave and that parts of myself that were dedicated to these relationships- by the middle of this year I found myself feeling completely and utterly lost. Perhaps I found a stranger in myself, rather than a friend. After all this time loving another, I found I had little love left for myself.

In the few months that have passed since I emerged from my bed- my dark cocoon- embraced the sun and stretched my wings, I have found such an immense love for my life and myself. I have learned to be completely content and almost independent; though I feel greatly blessed that I have always had marvelous people close to me that I have always been able to depend on when I had failed myself. TO THOSE PEOPLE; you know who you are- and I thank my lucky stars every chance that I get for the fact that I have you in my life. And I know that I have in no way enriched your lives in the way you have mine but thank you. Thank you in every way, shape and form. Thank you from the heart that beats in my chest to the smile you bring to my face. I love you deeply.

So to bring this entry to an end I would like to announce that this new years I will be making my one, and very first, new years resolution- I am going to dedicate 2009 to myself. And it is going to be fantastic.

I have a handle on myself.
I am, fine. And tired.
And I don't even care.
"I'll tell you why you care... because we want the unattainable"

Past midnight, knowing I should be in bed. I am restless and awake. I am feeling like the only person not only in this house, but this town. Completely isolated while there is this contently slumbering world sighing and dreaming in colour not so far away. But so outside of me.
I listen and I know, that no matter how much I want to run away and be someone else I cannot. It wouldn't really make anything better. Because I would still remain this volatile ball of anger and despair. This little person who cries on the ground then suddenly springs to life, beaming and cannot explain herself.
I want to be good, I WANT TO BE A GOOD PERSON.
I want to be stable, to know what I am thinking, what I am doing and WHY THE FUCK I AM DOING IT. The amount of tears I have shed that were left unjustified is almost unimaginable. Unless you are me, of course.

This feeling is... relentless. And I want to bury it in the sea.

Jordan & Perry from Scrubs.
Blair & Chuck from Gossip Girl.
Cassie & Sid from Skins.

I have been trying to figure myself out for longer than I can remember. I feel like perhaps I am really impressionable sometimes. Other times I just feel like I want to be alone, far away.

I find that I don't really like 'people like me' generally. Which is a worry, isn't it? I think I am some kind of band aid, stuck to those around me. But however painful I am to remove initially, am all the same very temporary. I burst in on peoples lives, making them feel as though they don't know how they coped without me before. However I do it, give them the impression that I am so amazingly unique and utterly lovely. But I am not. Once removed life goes on and I am discarded. Forgotten. And trashed- completely alone. Then I wake to find I don't want to be that way. I want to be loved.

The mind; what a complex, frustating thing.
Mine is no particular friend of mine. I mean, what cruelty to throw someone into a nest of happiness and calm only to set it on fire?
I would like to say my head is upside down at the moment, if I only knew which way was up. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed that I just want to retreat, and I do. For the life of me I can't even remember when I started to run from what troubled me. Perhaps it is because I cannot even name my particular troubles.
Contrary to what I experience in these cold solitary moments, life is good. My friends, my family, my life IS good. The sun is shining but in my mind there are persistant storm clouds- they just follow me around all day.

I find myself constantly struggling to find myself in the mess around me that is my life.

And, it is apparent to me that people seem to have very negative perceptions of the kind of person that I am. I don't feel like I have to justify myself, I haven't done anything wrong to be seen as this way. Nobody can explain HOW they came to dislike me without taking the time to know some of the most basic things about me.

Anyway, I am not really in a hurry to reverse this effect that I have on people. I mean, I myself barely know who I am. There are so many things about myself that I do not know, so for those who go right ahead and hate the 'person I am' or 'the person I come across as', I really can't help it. I have no idea how I come across or who I really am.

But I do know these things; I have a beautiful mother and brother who mean the absolute world to me, friends so good that I often don't know how they came to be mine. I love and trust far too easily, often to people who are not worthy; this often ends in me hurting but I refuse to change my ways, I just know to be more cautious now. I don't really "fit in" anywhere, but I feel my very best around those who make me smile. My lows are so low that on a high, I am flying. I love winter, shoes, music, dancing, sewing and love. I am honest, I like long phone calls and I genuinely care for people a lot more than they may ever know. I make a great coffee, I like when strangers smile at me, I have never been able to choose a favourite colour, I am a sucker for a certain type of guy but I am not looking for one of them.

All of these things, they are what I know. And I am completely okay with all of them. So okay, that I don't care if you accept them or not. I am what I am :]

Pray I'm not this empty, forever.

I find it so hard to sleep.
Even harder to wake up.
I am never really here, not really.

I feel like I am drowning, I know that I am sinking myself. But I can never let go of the heaviness that grip like a vice. That thought, that wish. Just, that. It is killing me.

The light, on, off. It's not the dark I am afraid of, but what I cannot see. I can see the darkness infront of me, comfortable in my darkness; but what is beyond that? That is what I fear.
My heavy heart full of doubt and fear, no longer motivated like it once was to expand, and love more souls than it has ever known. Instead, this heart has rid itself of abundant love, spewed out what was inside and lays exhasted and deflated in my chest. It hardly beats anymore.
I chase this want, this one desire of my used-up heart. We rendevous after midnight and simply lay for hours. For those hours I am occupied, I am not alone -yet I feel so far removed. Perhaps I am not even there.

Then the shouting, my head it screams. I shouldn't even be there, I am being foolish; I don't know where to turn with my insides in a mess and my bones so weak -I crawl into my bed. And lay for more hours. But this time I am alone. Alone with my questions; my music, my books, my television dramas, my visual world at my finger tips, they can tell my nothing. They answer no queries of the head, offer no help to the heart... my body sinks futher into the matress, the dark.
Please swallow me.

How do you find liberation? How do you let go of the past?

You should never completely let go of your past, pleasent or not it shaped you, made you who you are. Instead of letting go we must all deal with our pasts, confront what makes it so that it interferes with our present and then simply turn the page. Stive to turn your suitcases full of baggage from the past into enough to fit into your pocket. Of course, never forgetting the lessons you've learned, the people you've known and the mistakes you've made; but it's better that many of those things stay behind.
Then, with your pocket full of past you have one more thing to find; yourself. To be liberated you have to find yourself, in all your imperfections and be okay with it. It is you that matters, and if you aren't okay being in your own skin, when will you be okay? When you have taken only what you need from your past and are taking that into your future, no baggage, head held high... that is when you are liberated.

Destruction in my wake,
Ruins.
You will remain alone,
I cannot save you.

Obviously I am never going to ask you to take back what you have written about me, to lie about the way I made you feel or to not resent me if you so wish. I don't know what you get up there and say about me these days, but the assumption is nothing fond, nothing sweet. There is never any sweetness left when bitterness consumes a heart filled with love.

I will never be sorry for what was shared with you, complete adoration and trust. Trust that has been abused by now, and adoration that just dwindled away so slowly it was like it was never there at all. I am not even sorry that you were hurt, because a heart cannot be tamed and pretending it had been would have just been a lie, I never lied to you. And even though I closed that chapter on you so long ago, I just wanted to say; I am not the girl that hurt you anymore.

At night, every night. I lay and I think about everything. All that I have lost and everything I have found. All that I possess, everything I know and what I aspire to have.

I was such a mess only a few months ago, and I feel much more together now. Sometimes things feel so bland that I cannot get out of bed. Other times I cannot even sleep.

So this night, these thoughts go to my sanity, my sleep and my self. I want to learn that it's okay to be down and out; if we never felt like that then how would we feel our highs? But please, Prudence, please... make the changes when you feel sad. Just get out of that bed in the mornings. Most of the time, things will feel better than they did all those hours before, when you crawlled on into it.

So, I just wrote to you. I have no expectations when it comes to what I will get back in return. Or if infact I will hear back at all.
I told you about the fun I had with you, and I meant every thing that I said. There were some things I wanted to tell you but I held back, for fear that maybe we are too different a person to even co-exsist with ease at this point.
Friend, I miss you. Truely I do, and I am no longer to proud too say it now. I know that I am probably far too late to save the friendship demolished by our war. But I just couldn't pretend I had forgotten any longer because we really were amazing.